© elizabeth patch, all rights reserved
Go ahead. Get it all out of your system.
Complain about your body.
Whine about how ugly you are.
Go on and on about how much you hate yourself.
I hate my butt! My legs are too fat!
Everything about me is too fat!
I hate my hair! My boobs are too small!
Look at that wrinkle! My nose is too big!
Why do I have to be so short?
My skin is such a mess!
I wish I looked like her!
I suck!
Why can’t I be perfect?
Its not fair!
Do you feel better now?
Be honest.
Did all that whining and complaining fix anything?
Be honest.
Do you think your friends, family, lover, mother,
sisters, co-workers or anyone else
like listening to your complaints?
( Do you like listening to their complaints? )
Be honest.
I’ll be honest with you.
I still catch myself doing this same sad, boring, predictable whining.
Sometimes I just think it,
sometimes I annoy my husband or my friends with it.
But I never feel better about anything after complaining about myself.
I never feel inspired to make positive changes,
or feel happier with who I am.
In fact, it leaves me feeling exhausted and depressed.
So why do I slip into this terrible old habit that’s so hard to break?
Let’s face facts: Our culture is toxic to women’s self-esteem.
Every single day we face an onslaught of negative messages about our bodies not being thin enough,
pretty enough, young enough, smooth enough, stylish enough, sexy enough, fit enough, etc., etc.
Even if we try to ignore it,
even if we understand how false it is,
how harmful it is,
how manipulative it is,
it’s always in the background, leaving an impression…
And in a moment of stress or fatigue or doubt or fear or nervousness or rejection or pain,
when someone pushes one of my many buttons,
when I am attacked in some way,
or something triggers a negative emotional reaction…
Poor, poor me and all those who have to listen to my complaints!
But just because there is a larger cultural reason for this behavior,
just because there is a personal trigger and an ingrained habit,
it doesn’t mean I can’t fight back.
It doesn’t mean you can’t fight back!
The most immediate way to fight back is both very simple and very hard:
Stop complaining about your body.
As soon as you notice yourself doing it, just stop.
Just. Stop.
If there is something that can’t be changed about your body,
stop complaining about it, even if you have to stop mid-sentence!
If there is something you can do to improve your physical self,
stop complaining about what you could do and take steps to fix it:
get a new haircut, start taking walks, update your makeup, eat more vegetables, get more sleep, whatever.
Just change the conversation!
When you stop complaining about your body
(even when you just reduce complaining about your body),
you give yourself permission to live in this world without apologizing for what you look like.
You give yourself permission to be an amazing, confident, beautiful woman,”imperfections” and all.You stand up to all the cultural forces that tell you “You are not good enough”
and shout back: “Yes I am!”
This simple, difficult, radical act of not complaining about your body
can ripple out to those who share your world,
especially to girls, who may not even realize that there is another kind of body image,
one that is positive, proud and joyful,
instead of negative, shameful and sad.
When you stop complaining about your body, you help change the way we all see ourselves.
Now give yourself a compliment, and stop complaining about your _________!
and here’s some more Food for Thought
Thanks for this message. I think the most important part to remember is that we have the power to change. We can’t change how tall we are or what we look like generally but we can do so many things to see ourselves in a better way and change the things that we can improve on. We can change our habits, try to be a better person, and change how we see ourselves and others. There’s no reason to feel stuck. Be proud of who you are and always try to be better, no matter what point we’re at. Good goals will help us feel fulfilled and feel better about ourselves. The only time we should feel bad is when we aren’t trying to be who we want to be.
thanks Kris for such a great comment! Accepting the things we cannot change, and working on the things we can change (and want to change!) is a very practical way of leading a happier life.
What an inspiring post! I too am guilty of berating my body and complaining of having too much of this and not enough of that. I even have a name for the days when I can’t stand the way I look–I call them “fugly” days; hippo days. But like you mention, this doesn’t help. It only makes things worse. I’m on the path of embracing my curvy shape for what it is but it’s one step at a time. Thank you for reminding me that it’s futile to gripe about things I can’t change and to do something about those that I can change.
we all have days when we can’t stand how we look,and then we feel bad for feeling bad…my experience is that complaining only fuels the fire.
Be gentle with yourself Bella when you have “one of those days”!
I got triggered by a friend’s Diet Talk post today, which I wrote about on my blog. I didn’t have enough Sanity Watcher’s points to be reading diet talk. I always try to be supportive of my friends but generally speaking I won’t comment on diet talk no matter how much I like the person, for this very reason. I deal with mental health issues too and found myself having to fight the urge to self-harm as well as the self-hating diatribe about how it was no wonder no-one likes a fat pig like me. It’s absolutely horrible! I would never talk to another person that way, I am far more brutal to myself than anyone else has ever been, even the worst of people!
It’s true, just listening to other people’s diet talk/body bashing often ends up taking you down that same negative path, even if you don’t participate. Another reason not to complain about your own body: it triggers other peoples issues!
If would be great if we all could remember to talk about ourselves in the same encouraging way we talk to our best friends! Sometimes I imagine “would I say such an awful thing to myself as a little girl? then why am I saying it now?”
Thank you, Elizabeth; thank you for revealing, for encouraging, for advocating. Perhaps it is self-hatred that fuels the fires which lead to seeing your body as “worthy of hatred”, worthy of constant complaints.
It is a shift, it is a re-framing. I wonder Elizabeth, if you might think of a way to portray this with your art?
Let us be bold, let us be courageous, let us follow the tunes of our different drummers. Let us replace I HATE ME, with I CHERISH ME. It can be done, I have done it.
How do we shed our self-hate, and pick up the robe of self-appreciation?
We, all of us, are leading a revolution – that of being who we are, and stopping the self-denigration. We are who we are ….. let us celebrate that! … Let us help all of our brothers and sisters, now mired, on to ‘Freedom to Be Who You Are’.
CELEBRATE DON’T DENIGRATE.
Thank you, bless you, Elizabeth, for being there.
Onward…….
6-year-old’s book aims to teach other kids on obesity, bullying. Please share
LaNiyah Bailey is 6 years old, and I tend to believe she is changing the landscape of the obesity crisis. Will the food industry take her on? Will the media report on her ground breaking work? Will you, the reader give her story a tiny press of a key, and send her work viral? She is a warrior, and she is standing up against the bully. She can do this all alone in isolation , or we can lend a hand.The choice is your’s to make . Here is your chance to stand up along side a warrior, who has been bullied due to obesity. Her Web site is http://www.notfatbecauseiwannabe.com. LaNiyah said it explains how the teasing made her feel as well as how “you can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Great observations and comments.Take one day at a time and focus more on our positive selves – we all have so much that is wonderful about our individual looks, it would be boring if we were all the “same airbrushed” image that the media focuses on. True beauty comes from within – love yourself more and all else will fall into place. Wishing you all a wonderful day for just being you!
So true and I never thought about it that way. I may be teaching someone to dislike something about herself! Thanks for making me realize that! I hate seeing my female (and sometimes male) students talking about themselves so negatively and now I realize that I do it too….and maybe I perpetuated it! Not anymore! Thanks Elizabeth!!!!!